Diary of a Mother's Mission

My son, Kevin Martin, disappered under mysterious circumstances in the wee hours of July 18, 2004. His partial remains were found on February 1, 2005 in the river. The Des Moines Police have not been helpful and this is my blog to tell what I have done as it's done.

Monday, June 18, 2007

The Kevin Clone

This is what we call a young man we met at a local eatery, Jimmy John's, here in Des Moines. Kevin and his friends as well as Brian frequented Jimmy John's on a regular basis, as I was told by Brian. They deliver. I remember the name but it wasn't until a year ago that Brian introduced me to their #15 tuna club. Really delicious. To date, I haven't tried anything else and don't really care to. When I decide I would like a little something different for lunch, the tuna club is fine and much better than the tuna I usually eat at home, so I'll stick with that.

I think Brian and Jaylynn spotted the Kevin clone first and then told me about him and then Brian took me there for lunch. This young man was delightful and looked very much like Kevin and acted like him when Kevin was at his most outgoing. Perhaps this kid had his quiet side, too, but while on the job at Jimmy John's he seemed more outgoing and quite a character. He really adds so much to the place.

He left Jimmy John's then came back only to leave and come back again??? I was so disappointed when he was no longer there. As a matter of fact, the last time I saw him there I asked him if he was going to stick around for a while. He said he was. He didn't, but last Friday Brian called to tell me he was back again. I guess this Friday I'll go in there for lunch, pay day, and I hope so much he is still there. I'll be so disappointed if he isn't.

Why? I don't know what it is. As I said before, in a way it isn't right. This guy is his own person, he isn't Kevin and I know that, but it brings so much comfort to me when I see this young man, or someone else that reminds me of Kevin. Maybe for those brief few moments I can fantasize that Kevin's still alive in some small way through this young man, or another. We are all very much alike, more so than we are different. That, I guess, is one reason I like astrology. Groups of us have similar characteristics, mannerisms, looks. And then so I wonder, if , for example, this kid has similar "signs" as Kevin.

In a way I thought I was through with this phase as if it was part of the grieving process. I guess not as I still seem to see Kevin everywhere. There was a young man on the bus, Lincoln High where Kevin went, on my afternoon run. Perhaps I mentioned him. A month or so ago I sat at a stop sign and waited for some guy who was walking up to the corner. I mean I waited until he got closer to the stop sign so I could get a better look before I took off. He reminded me so much of Kevin. So many of these times I would have liked to get out of the car and stare, or ask the guy at Jimmy John's so many questions which I'm sure would seem weird and intrusive to him. I'm sure so many questions would have appeared intrusive to Kevin as well. I asked the kid on the bus when his birthday was. He said,"why do you ask?" I think Kevin would have been taken-a-back and responded the same way if his bus driver had asked him the same question.

So I'm feeling very vulnerable, still, and so afraid that I seem weird to these young people but equally afraid to tell them, him, in this case, the Kevin clone, about Kevin and that he reminds me so much of my son. I'm not sure whether a young person would feel honored or offended or just uncomfortable. The other ones are special but this one Brian has named the Kevin clone, lovingly so, as I call him that as well, and he has become very special. Maybe because Brian and I can share it. We both have seen him and he reminds the both of us of Kevin. I don't even know his name. I could call him J.J. for now. Whoever he is, he just adds so much to Jimmy John's, or at least Brian and I think so. It just isn't the same when he isn't there. And then, when he's not there it seems another little part(and hope) of Kevin is gone too.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

A Very Special Comment

I just read this very special comment again. I read it a while ago, although not too long ago. It was recently written. Brian tried to find out who this person was, but couldn't. Recently they changed things on the "Blogger" site that I go to. I had to call Kevin's stepmother to find out what to do. Under the old format, I know, there was something about "comments" but I didn't know how to access them without being afraid that I would mess things up. My knowledge of computers is very limited and so I stick with what I know how to do, which isn't very much. This comment was written after my Spring Babies blog. I've thought about it so often since I read it, and am amazed and thrilled that someone would remember Kevin that well and take the time to write a comment about him after so many years. Obviously I hope so many people remember him, I know they do, intellectually that is, but it isn't until you get something like that, a comment, or someone stops you and says something to you, which has been rare, only twice, that you fully realize that, yes, people still really do remember him. It means so much as I think I've said before. Most of the time I'm alone with my thoughts and memories of Kevin and then periodically, as happened with this wonderful comment, I feel a sense of connectedness with someone else who knew Kevin. I wish this person would tell me more but I don't want to intrude on their privacy either.

Mother's Day has passed. The day after Kevin's memorial service, 2005, was Mother's Day, May 8th that year. I wanted to go to A-Dong, Kevin's favorite place for lunch, but didn't make it with lots of loose ends to finish up before returning to New York. Last year I did and this year, as well, and so Mother's Day has become, for me, a special day of remembrance and reflection regarding him. I'll never forget that Mother's Day that he and I shared in 2003, I think it was. He went walking with me that morning, and it was a cool chilly morning that year, and then we went to A-Dong for lunch. It has become such a special day, so this will be my Mother's Day, each year, as it has been for the last two.

I've thought so much about Kevin's friends, the few I did know, and the special people that became involved with his life, like the wonderful fisherman who found his remains. And then there are friends of Kevin, like the person who wrote the comment, that I don't know, but would like to. I still need to get in touch with them. Most of the time I have a hard time just doing my daily routine, work and chores, much less anything else. I don't even seem to make it to the library much anymore. On a day to day basis I struggle with my thoughts and memories. The loss of Kevin is mind boggling, to say the least, for me, and so I don't know how Kevin's young friends feel about his loss. There are really special people who have been involved with him and they have become part of my heart and his story as well. They have come to mean so much because it is that connectedness which helps ease the pain.