Diary of a Mother's Mission

My son, Kevin Martin, disappered under mysterious circumstances in the wee hours of July 18, 2004. His partial remains were found on February 1, 2005 in the river. The Des Moines Police have not been helpful and this is my blog to tell what I have done as it's done.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

The Wall

The same title and almost a year later. I had asked one of the librarians for help, just a technical question. I think she inadvertantly hit something and it deleted my whole blog.- Something I could have done but I wasn't near the computer. Being so in-experienced, I went to speak to another librarian at one of the other branches. I thought she would be able to tell me what happened and how to retrieve my blog which had to be somewhere in cyberspace. Anyway, no such luck. It was that week right after Brian had finished the Des Moines Marathon. It was a milestone for him, and a few days later, a milestone for me, you could say.

I was standing there at the finish line waiting for Brian to finish his first marathon and thinking. Thinking alot. It had been about ten years since I stopped running and, standing there, watching the runners cross that finish line made me wistful and took me back to a different place in my life. A good place, actually. A place where I used to think in terms of running and the discipline from my running spilled over into other areas of my life. I thought of my life as a road race. Nothing original, but it worked for me. I ran all the time, loved longer distances, and even ran a few races. I had always thought about running a marathon, but didn't. I did run a half marathon, though.

Then it came back to me about "the wall". I had heard it so often. One runs and runs and then about the 20th mile one supposedly feels like they have hit a wall and they have to run through it when they don't feel they have an ounce of energy to take another step. Standing there on the side line, I guess I felt that in my own life I had hit that same wall. I wasn't getting anywhere regarding Kevin and it took every ounce of energy or courage or both to go one step further. I'm still at that point. My resolve is still there. I'm just moving at a snails pace. But I'm still moving. I was never a fast runner, anyway. More of an endurance runner is more accurate.

And I guess I said a mouthful at that point or thought it anyway. I guess I felt that I had run headlong, crashed, into a brick wall. I saw something and as much as I tried to tell myself otherwise, I knew something was wrong. Brian's marathon was October 21st, I think. This day was October 28th. That was the beginning of a long process. Breast cancer.

I was very foolish. Breast cancer is so treatable as long as it's caught early. I never went for mammograms. In my case I was very lucky since there was a visible sign. While I was having my mammogram, I remember the nurse said to me to just consider this a "bump in the road". She wasn't aware of Brian's marathon, or my many years of running, or putting my life in runners terms. It tickled me and it has stuck in my mind and been a very positive encouragement. I've hit this bump in the road, the 20th mile, "the wall". I'll cross over the rough road, muster the energy, whatever it takes, and make it to mile 26.2!

Brian signed me up for the Des Moines marathon this year because I said I had wanted to run it. (I think I was still on steroids, at the time, which they give you as part of your chemotherapy. I think it made me dillusional.) I transferred my registration to next year, unfortunately, but it is really a more realistic decision and goal. My major stuff, chemotherapy and radiation, was finished July 17th but I guess I need a little more time to get back into shape and get my energy back up to par, which I will do. And I have work to do for Kevin...


Post a Comment

<< Home