Diary of a Mother's Mission

My son, Kevin Martin, disappered under mysterious circumstances in the wee hours of July 18, 2004. His partial remains were found on February 1, 2005 in the river. The Des Moines Police have not been helpful and this is my blog to tell what I have done as it's done.

Monday, June 18, 2007

The Kevin Clone

This is what we call a young man we met at a local eatery, Jimmy John's, here in Des Moines. Kevin and his friends as well as Brian frequented Jimmy John's on a regular basis, as I was told by Brian. They deliver. I remember the name but it wasn't until a year ago that Brian introduced me to their #15 tuna club. Really delicious. To date, I haven't tried anything else and don't really care to. When I decide I would like a little something different for lunch, the tuna club is fine and much better than the tuna I usually eat at home, so I'll stick with that.

I think Brian and Jaylynn spotted the Kevin clone first and then told me about him and then Brian took me there for lunch. This young man was delightful and looked very much like Kevin and acted like him when Kevin was at his most outgoing. Perhaps this kid had his quiet side, too, but while on the job at Jimmy John's he seemed more outgoing and quite a character. He really adds so much to the place.

He left Jimmy John's then came back only to leave and come back again??? I was so disappointed when he was no longer there. As a matter of fact, the last time I saw him there I asked him if he was going to stick around for a while. He said he was. He didn't, but last Friday Brian called to tell me he was back again. I guess this Friday I'll go in there for lunch, pay day, and I hope so much he is still there. I'll be so disappointed if he isn't.

Why? I don't know what it is. As I said before, in a way it isn't right. This guy is his own person, he isn't Kevin and I know that, but it brings so much comfort to me when I see this young man, or someone else that reminds me of Kevin. Maybe for those brief few moments I can fantasize that Kevin's still alive in some small way through this young man, or another. We are all very much alike, more so than we are different. That, I guess, is one reason I like astrology. Groups of us have similar characteristics, mannerisms, looks. And then so I wonder, if , for example, this kid has similar "signs" as Kevin.

In a way I thought I was through with this phase as if it was part of the grieving process. I guess not as I still seem to see Kevin everywhere. There was a young man on the bus, Lincoln High where Kevin went, on my afternoon run. Perhaps I mentioned him. A month or so ago I sat at a stop sign and waited for some guy who was walking up to the corner. I mean I waited until he got closer to the stop sign so I could get a better look before I took off. He reminded me so much of Kevin. So many of these times I would have liked to get out of the car and stare, or ask the guy at Jimmy John's so many questions which I'm sure would seem weird and intrusive to him. I'm sure so many questions would have appeared intrusive to Kevin as well. I asked the kid on the bus when his birthday was. He said,"why do you ask?" I think Kevin would have been taken-a-back and responded the same way if his bus driver had asked him the same question.

So I'm feeling very vulnerable, still, and so afraid that I seem weird to these young people but equally afraid to tell them, him, in this case, the Kevin clone, about Kevin and that he reminds me so much of my son. I'm not sure whether a young person would feel honored or offended or just uncomfortable. The other ones are special but this one Brian has named the Kevin clone, lovingly so, as I call him that as well, and he has become very special. Maybe because Brian and I can share it. We both have seen him and he reminds the both of us of Kevin. I don't even know his name. I could call him J.J. for now. Whoever he is, he just adds so much to Jimmy John's, or at least Brian and I think so. It just isn't the same when he isn't there. And then, when he's not there it seems another little part(and hope) of Kevin is gone too.


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