Diary of a Mother's Mission

My son, Kevin Martin, disappered under mysterious circumstances in the wee hours of July 18, 2004. His partial remains were found on February 1, 2005 in the river. The Des Moines Police have not been helpful and this is my blog to tell what I have done as it's done.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Stream Of Consciousness???

I got up particularly early this morning hoping to watch the sun rise as I did my walking. A beautiful morning and a sun rise does wonders for a wanning faith. I guess it's that time of year again, but then a cold doesn't help matters either. It was a cloudy morning in Des Moines but getting out early before the throngs and car noises was better than nothing. As much as I love to drive, and I certainly do my share of it, when I'm out walking, to be on busy streets is like an assault to my psyche. I always try to pick quiet roads, some not quiet enough, and so I can't waite to turn the corner onto a less busy street. The decibels drop instantly and I can return to my inner thoughts once again.

Last Thursday I visited the "Hub" downtown, the second time in two weeks. Brian had taken me there five years ago and I had regretted not getting back there sooner; a really neat place with shops and a food court. I went with a girlfriend, even took the bus to and from downtown. What a treat to ride instead of driving! But anyway, I was sitting for a few minutes, waiting for the bus, and a guy came up to me and asked about Kevin. He had been at the search over two years ago. I couldn't believe that he remembered me, and the fact that he did, and stopped to speak with me and acknowledge Kevin's memory meant the world to me. He touched my real world for a brief moment.

As I've mentioned before, sometimes I go by places without a second thought, other times it triggers a memory. Every morning I go by the airport on my school run. This past week I've thought about Kevin each time I went by. A compelling memory. Kevin flew alot for his young years and it almost feels like I should go to the airport around the Holidays to pick him up. Emmett Fox says the departed are like people living in another country, that that is how we should think of it. Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could go to the airport and pick them up, yes, Terry too, as they come in from their new world to spend the Holiday's with us. One day I had this "compelling" feeling to go into Kevin's old house, 1505 Pleasant, which is now on 16th St. The guy from Kinter Construction was nice enough to let me go in. If he hadn't been there I would have sat amidst the gutted rooms and visualized the times I had been there with Kevin. I could just see it in my minds eye; Kevin, me, and the room as it was. I walk by there a few times a week, why one day I get this tremendous urge to go in, I don't know, just like now I have the urge to go to the airport.

I use to buy things in threes. One, each, for Terry, Brian, and Kevin. Lately I've been buying things in threes, too. Three angels, three crosses, for Daniel, Kevin and Terry. Another compelling urge; to buy angels. A symbol, as crosses are a symbol. Symbols of eternal life and beauty and God. All the things we do in a time of grief, I guess, but it does help. Actually, maybe I should have titled this blog "compulsion".

The other day I was talking to a woman on the bus who has been experiencing pain, gallbladder, she thinks. I had talked to her weeks ago but no memory. This time, I immediately became aware of a memory of Terry as a little baby. I had had my gallbladder removed two and a half months after Terry was born. I had been in the hospital for 10 days and so had not seen him. I was suppose to sit on the couch and take it easy, which I did do for a few minutes anyway. My mother brought Terry in to me, and put him on my lap. He hadn't seen me for 10 days, or maybe one or two more, but he instantaneously smiled at me. This great big, hugh, smile which was always Terry. A memory, like so many others which are coming to mind, as they did with Kevin. Memories which maybe go unnoticed or unrecalled when the person is in our daily life and we're building new memories on a daily basis...

Friday I bought a couple of tickets for Jolly Holiday Lights. A wonderful memory from last Christmas. I almost felt that Kevin was in the car with us as we went through Water Works Park to look at all the holiday light displays and wishing we could have one for Kevin.

So a bunch of thoughts, all over the place, as the Holidays approach. I feel that my thoughts are scattered, but still always focused on my inner world of Kevin and Terry...


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